The Silent Holocron

Opening my dashboard on WordPress today, I saw on my “post of the moment” feature a jaw-dropping example of the kind of fundamentalism that makes Pat Robertson, KJV-Only advocates, and Benny Hinn look quite rational and reasonable. It was a blogpost entitled Heliocentrism is an Atheist Doctrine. Click on the title to read it. An excerpt:

What’s even worse than the debate raging in American schools about the teaching of the soulless doctrine of evolution, is the non-debate over an issue that rational Americans have foolishly conceded to the secular among us: the issue of Heliocentrism, or the idea that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

It seems clear that it may occasionally be convenient to assume that the calculations of Copernicus and Kepler were mathematically sound. However, for both moral and theological reasons, we should always bear in mind that the Earth does not move. If it moved, we would feel it moving. That’s called empiricism, the experience of the senses. Don’t take my word for it, or the evidence of your own senses, Copernicans.

The blog author then proceeds to quote Scriptural “evidence” from a couple of “authorities,” ignoring totally the inconsistency of what one source actually says with the position the blog author is espousing, and then quotes a form of the great discussion-ender:

The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it.

If you want a great example of hermeneutical gymnastics and shoddy apologetics, look no further than this article.

And that’s your Weird-O-Cron™ for this week.

Seems Ryan, the Archer of the Forest, has tagged me. Apparently, you have to post six weird things about yourself and then tag 6 other people. He’s right, chain letters never die, they just change form.

So, with no further ado, 6 weird things about me, just ’cause it’s my birthday today. I am now among those of “The Dirty 30.” I can no longer be trusted.

DISCLAIMER: I’m sure my wife and family could come up with 6 weirder things. I invite them to do so in the comments.

 1. At one time, I could recite the entire script of the original Star Wars trilogy, line for line, from beginning to end. That’s right, I used to be able to verbally give you Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi in its entirety. Wish I could memorize Scripture the same way.

2. I am Deaf, yet I can play guitar and trumpet. What can I say, I’m musical.

3. I must be one of the few people from the South that hates sweet potatoes.

4. I wanted to be an Atlanta Brave when I was growing up. That’s weird because when I was growing up in the 80s, the Braves *stank.* Most of my buddies wanted to be on the great St. Louis Cardinals teams of the 80s.

5. I have proved that it is possible to meet girls at White Castle at 1:00 AM. Dated her for about 4 months too.

6. All my life I preferred older women, yet when I got married, I married a younger one.

Oh so enlightening…

I tag Timmy Brister, Tony Kummer, Will Turner, Rick Mansfield, and Matt Perry.

Welcome to the newest Weird-O-Cron™! I only have a couple of things today, one of which isn’t really that weird. First, my Anglican colleague, The Archer of the Forest (a.k.a. Ryan Hall), found an interesting blogthing quiz. It’s your very own personal DNA test. Here’s mine: My Personal Dna Report

To take the test yourself: Personal DNA

I’m so addicted to blogthings. It’s a good thing I rarely post them.

Second, Team Pyromaniacs has made a triumphant return to the blogosphere after a mandatory 2-week vacation. You should read today’s post by Phil Johnson, it is a masterful work opening what will probably be another fantastic series of posts by him. But that’s not why I wanted you to see the blog. Phil found something absolutely, spectacularly funny in this post. It’s about a Star Wars movie that was translated from a foreign language. I am still laughing. For a preview, check out what the translated movie calls the Jedi Council:

I honestly don’t know what to say after laughing like a maniac. What does this mean for us good Baptists out there? Go read the whole thing and then see the site Phil gives for it.

And that concludes our Weird-O-Cron™ of the moment.

Starring TOM CRUISE as Jesus!!!

In this article by “The Sun,” Scientology has proven beyond doubt that they occupy the realm of the truly weird. Apparently, Tom Cruise is the Christ of Scientology. From the article:

The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world. And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion. A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

I’m not even sure I can think of something witty to say about this. Such a thought defies witticisms.

I did, however, appreciate what one commenter on the article said:

Tom Cruise may well be the Messiah…. But this is the test – -flog him to within an inch of his life and then hang him on a cross until his lungs collapse and he is very dead (pierce his lungs with a spear so we know his lungs have filled up with water – scientifically prove he is dead beyond a shadow of a doubt), then bury him in a cave sealed with a huge boulder cutting off the air supply, just in case, and armed guards to do away with any monkey business from his followers…Then if he comes back from the dead, says he is the messiah, ascends on a cloud into heaven in front of 300 amazed people who then spread through the world and multiply to form a new religion that ultimately becomes the underpinning philosophy of the majority of the civilised world for centuries, well, give him the gold BluePeter messiah badge….

Okay, I lied, maybe one witticism.  Katie Holmes is the Sangreal and their little one is the first of a new Merovingian line… (cue ominous music)

HT: Mr. Frank “Centuri0n” Turk.

Welcome to the newest installment of the Weird-O-Cron™!

In the stupid criminals department:
Man Tried to Hide Guitar In Pants, Store Owner Says

The “I’m Glad I Don’t Attend That Church” Files:
Gun-Waving Sermon Lands Pastor In Pokey

Gross-Outs:
Man Seeks Record for Arm Hair Length

From the office of “They Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Reproduce”:
Man On Trial for Putting Sick Baby in Freezer

And for the Truly Weird:
(Disclaimer: This is the actual title of the story. Any suggestive thoughts on your part require further sanctification before you can read this one with a straight face.)
Man Shoots Doe With Well-Developed Rack

Well, it appears the test worked, so with no further ado…

Welcome to the latest edition of the Weird-O-Cron™! In this edition we at The Silent Holocron bring you that oddity of Canadian oddities:

The Rhinoceros Party!

The Rhinoceros Party of Canada promised not only to ban winter but also to build sloping bicycle paths across Canada so that Canadians could “coast from coast to coast,” to pave the province of Manitoba and turn it into a parking lot, to tear down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans could see sunsets over the Pacific, to make illiteracy Canada’s third official language, and to annex the United States in order to raise the national average temperature.

The Rhinoceros Party , started in 1963 by separatist writer Jacques Ferron, was registered in Canada from 1963 to 1993 and had become the fourth largest political party in Canada by 1984. The party was dissolved in 1993 after a new law mandated that all political parties in Canada run candidates in at least 50 electoral districts.

I wonder if Tim Challies belongs to this party…

While playing around with WordPress this week, I found in my “blog stats” tool an application that lets you see how people got to your blog through Google searches. Now I can see if I’m just as weird as Timmy.

Apparently, but not as disturbing as some of his. Let’s examine my favorite ones.

Baptist Spanking. I don’t know if I want to know.

Christian group silly games. Hmm, is that all retreats are good for?

Ferret Legging. Ach ah, someone got my Weird-O-Cron™ post on this! Much thanks to the Archer of the Forest, who is currently in Ireland awaiting his semester in England.

Sith Squirrels. I really, really hope the albino squirrels at the University of Louisville didn’t get wind of that one. I’d hate to get all Obi-Wan on ‘em. Never mind the nightmares the eyes of those things would bring.

Roommate Spanking. I really, really, really don’t wanna know.

Veggie Tale Punching Bag.  Now that sounds like fun.

How does the milk bottle work?  Um, what?

And now for two of my favorites:

How does a woman act when she loves a man?  I’m afraid to ask why this is even a question.

How to impress wife before marriage.  I’ll answer this one easily.

If you have to impress the woman you want to marry before you get married, perhaps you should question whether or not you need to be getting married in the first place.

If you mean a surprise before the wedding, by all means, go for it.

Otherwise, just be a godly man.  Make your relationship after the model in Ephesians 5.  You can’t get more impressive than that.  If she still doesn’t want you or isn’t impressed with you after that, she doesn’t deserve your spit.  You are a blessing way beyond anything she deserves.

And on that note, I’d like to direct my visitors looking for a wedding liturgy to the sidebar, in the Marriage category.  There you will find the complete liturgy, with commentary.  You may contact me via e-mail (see the About page for the address) for the liturgy without commentary, in wedding ceremony format.

In further weirdness, I’ve gotten several visitors looking for Timmy.  *At Timmy* I didn’t tell ‘em nothin’!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the return of the Weird-O-Cron™! This installment:FERRET LEGGING!!!

Ferret legging is the oldest sport involving an animal where competitors are not riding. Ferret legging is described as:

A sport practiced in Yorkshire, England. It was first brought to light by Donald Katz, in an article entitled “King of the Ferret Leggers,” in the February 1983 issue of Outside magazine.

The sport involves putting two angry ferrets inside one’s trousers, having first tied one’s trouser cuffs firmly to one’s ankles, lest the ferrets escape. The competitor then cinches his belt tightly, and the clock is started. Competitors cannot be drunk or drugged, nor can the ferrets be drugged. In addition, competitors cannot wear underpants beneath their trousers, and the ferrets’ teeth cannot be filed or otherwise blunted.

The record-holder at the time of Katz’ article was Reg Mellor, a 72-year-old retired miner from Yorkshire. Mellor’s winning time was five hours and twenty-six minutes of “keepin’ ‘em down.” It was Mellor who instituted the practice of wearing white trousers in ferret-legging matches “to better show the blood.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is truly weird.

For the UPSers out there, especially the illustrious Jason Doty, here’s what will either become a boredom buster or cause you to contemplate trichillomania (obsessive hair-pulling).

Welcome to

Weird Package Hunt!

The game is for those who directly handle packages at UPS, specifically loaders.

Here’s the first rule of the game: Suspend your sense of what is normal. It doesn’t work otherwise. This should be easy to accomplish after a minimum of 15 minutes of slinging boxes.

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is simple: Hunt for packages on your belt that are just a little off. This could be anything; it could be a town name, company name, the type of goods being shipped, etc. Having found a package, you have the option of doing several things.

First, you can create a limerick about the oddity you find. For example, one day I saw a pet stroller coming down the belt. Now, that in and of itself is odd enough (and in fact I think I blogged about it sometime in the past). Here’s the limerick I concocted:

Once I had a pet stroller.
I gave it to my dog to spoil her.
I rolled her by the church,
The Spirit gave her a lurch,
And now she’s a yappin’ Holy Roller.

Second, you can take odd phrases on the package and start repeating them to your co-workers for no reason at all. This is especially funny or weird if the package says “Git-R-Done.” My super nearly cried from laughing when I did that one.

Third, you can thumb your nose at the IMB if the package has foreign language on it. Just simply pretend to close your eyes while reading the package out loud and simply tell people that it’s your “private prayer language.” This was suggested to me by a Pentecostal friend after I told him about finding Hebrew on several packages.

Fourth, you can do pretty much anything you want with the oddity. Do a stand-up routine about it. Find ways to poke fun at it. Imagine starting a company on the odd slogan you find. There’s really no limit to what you can do.

Yes, I know this is pretty off the wall, but it’s better than staring endlessly at packages and shipping labels. Give it a try and see if it helps!

In a special Friday the 13th edition of the Weird-O-Cron, I bring you some truly odd news.

Vampire to Run for Minnesota Governor. This one is truly odd. The AOL News article has a pic of the guy, for those of you who can access it. But since Minnesota voted for “The Body,” there’s no reason why they wouldn’t vote for “The Impaler,” don’t you think? I especially like what this guy says he’ll do to child molesters and murderers. Too bad he just hates God the Father instead of the whole Trinity.

Here’s another: Scientists Create Glowing Green Pigs. Green eggs and ham, anyone? That Sam I am! That Sam I am! I do not like that Sam I am!

In the “Stupid Criminals” department: Smurfy Face Paint Gives Suspect Away. *Singing theme to The Smurfs* Naa, naaa, na na na naa, naa, na na na naaaa…

Blonde Moment of the Day: Man Gets Stuck in Washing Machine.

And in true horror movie fashion, we close with a dead body: Woman Dead Since 2003 Left Sitting at TV.

And with that, I go to find a few old school horror movies to enjoy tonight. Bela Lugosi, anyone?