The Silent Holocron

While thinking through some issues raised by Voddie Baucham’s What He Must Be If He Wants to Marry My Daughter, I was hit with one of those moments where the pieces fit, the light comes on, and one has no choice but to say “ah-ha.” Here is my realization: God’s sovereignty works in the same way parenting does.

What do I mean by that?

See, there’s the age-old question of God’s sovereignty and human responsibility — often posed, and I think wrongly, as predestination vs. free will. As I thought through the implications of raising my children “in the nurture and instruction of the Lord,” I was thinking about this passage from Baucham’s book:

Several years ago when Jasmine (Baucham’s daughter) was much younger, a family friend went through a difficult divorce. The breakup did not come as a surprise. It was obvious that theirs was not a God-honoring, biblically functioning marriage, and the handwriting had been on the wall for quite some time.

As things began to work themselves out and the dust began to settle, we talked with our children about the pain and high cost of divorce. As we took advantage of this teachable moment, Jasmine said something that I’ll never forget. She looked at me, shook her head, and said, “Daddy, I’m glad I’ve got you to pick my husband.” She was dead serious. She had just witnessed the consequences that often accompany a decision to marry an unworthy man, and although she wasn’t old enough to understand it all, she did understand that her father was there to protect her.

I have no intention of picking Jasmine’s husband for her. We do not advocate arranged marriages. Nor was that my daughter’s understanding of the process. She was merely acknowledging what she had been taught all her life — the fact that her father intends to play an active role in the process of finding and evaluating potential suitors.

As I read, lessons learned from Baucham’s previous book, Family Driven Faith, came back to me. I realized that what Baucham wanted me to understand was that everything I do as a parent influences the decisions my children will make when they are older. Whether my actions are intentional or unintentional, my children will learn how to approach life by my example. And as such I must make sure that I am a godly father obeying God’s command to “manage my household well.”

Unbidden, Proverbs 16:9 came to mind: “The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Ah-ha!

My children’s decisions are their own, but they are unavoidably shaped by my intentions for them as their father. Will I have raised my children to make strong, biblically faithful decisions that will bless them and glorify God? Or will I have raised them to follow after the traditions and philosophies of this world? Worse still, what have I unintentionally taught my children that might instill unwanted values in them? What a serious, serious responsibility and burden I must bear!

Then realization dawned on me: there is nothing unintentional about what God does. Every work of His hand has a purpose. Does not calamity come, unless the Lord has done it? Does not blessing come unless the Lord has given it? Does He not have mercy on whomever He wills, and harden whomever He wills?

My role as a father to my children is similar to God’s role as Creator to His creatures. His every intention influences our every decision, for good or for ill. And there are no unintentional moves with God. Every decision we make is under His control. He has planned for each decision, and determined which influences he will bring into our lives to affect them long before we were born. His influences are designed to bring about a certain end result. Just as I now determine which influences I want affecting my children’s decisions to bring about a desired result in their lives. Yet in both cases, our decisions are really our own. The heart of my children plan their way, but I have directed their steps!

The major difference between myself as a parent and God as our Father is that nothing can thwart the influences He has planned. As He is perfect, all-knowing and all-powerful; He knows exactly what must happen in each person’s life to bring about His desired result, and He does makes it happen. We merely acknowledge what we have been taught all our lives to the point of each decision. Our decisions are truly “free” yet God has “determined” from eternity how those decisions will come about. We really do what we want; yet all proceeds as God has decreed from the foundations of the world.

Realizing there is no conflict between God’s sovereignty and my responsibility, I shudder at the knowledge that God has made the role of parent such a mirror of who He is. I am unworthy to bear this mantle He has placed on me. So are we all, yet He calls each of us to be husbands, wives, and parents after His own heart. Just as God raises us up in the way He has determined we shall go, and we do not depart from it; so should we strive to raise our children.

I came across an interesting contrast in views of parenting in my readings this week:

From Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp:
“The central focus of parenting is the Gospel. You need to direct not simply the behavior of your children, but the attitudes of their hearts. You need to show them not just the ‘what’ of their sin and failure, but the ‘why.’ Your children desperately need to understand not only the external ‘what’ they did wrong, but also the internal ‘why’ they did it. You must help them to see that God works from the inside out. Therefore, your parenting goal cannot simply be well behaved children. Your children must also understand why they sin and how to recognize internal change.”

From The Duties of Parents by J.C. Ryle:
“I have heard it said by some, that you should require nothing of children which they cannot understand: that you should explain and give a reason for everything you desire of them to do. I warn you solemnly against such a notion. I tell you plainly, I think it is an unsound and rotten principle. No doubt it is absurd to make a mystery of everything you do, and there are many things which it is well to explain to children, in order that they may see that they are reasonable and wise. But to bring them up with the idea that they must take nothing on trust, that they, with their weak and imperfect understandings, must have the ‘why’ and the ‘wherefore’ made clear to them at every step they take, this is indeed a fearful mistake, and likely to have the worst effect on their minds.”

Interesting contrast, no? I believe both are correct, and each serves to round out the other so that there is balance. This is why one must read widely of conservative evangelicals within a field of study. Reviews of both of these books will be posted by the end of the year!

From J.C. Ryle’s The Duties of Parents:

“A true Christian must be no slave to fashion [meaning worldly custom - Stephen] if he would train his child for heaven. He must not be content to do things merely because they are the custom of the world; to teach them and instruct them in certain ways, merely because it is usual; to allow them to read books of questionable sort, merely because everybody else reads them; to let them form habits of the day. He must train with an eye to his children’s souls. He must not be ashamed to hear his training called singular and strange. What if it is? The time is short, the fashion of this world passeth away. He that has trained his children for heaven, rather than for earth, for God, rather than man — he is the parent that will be called wise at last.”

If there is only one thing — other than a saving knowledge of Christ — that I am able to teach my little Grace that sticks til she dies, it would be this:

Once they had all had their say, a minister’s wife looked across the table at me. “Christine, what are your thoughts.”

“You wouldn’t care to know. I’m young and single. What do I know?!”

At this the women in the room turned their attention to me, assuring me that my thoughts mattered.

I began slowly.

“I believe that a man feels most loved when he knows that he is respected.”

I went on to describe how I desired to serve my husband and show him respect to himself, in front of our children, and before others (whether he was present or not). In matters of submission, I imagined the thrill of being able to serve my husband even if the task was small. I longed for the Lord to bring me a mate that I could run along side of as we ran the course God had set before us, cheering him on … quenching his thirst … rejoicing at his/our victories.

I did not qualify my statements by saying that I would only do these things if he proved to be a godly leader and lover. I knew that many of their husbands were not. However, wives are responsible for their own actions and attitudes … not those of their husbands. Scripture does not describe the marriage relationship as “Wives, submit to your husbands when they lead you in godliness.” Instead, 1 Peter 3:1 states, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives—”

I have sought in my own living to apply King Lemuel’s mother’s advice to her son. She described a godly wife who’s husband is confident in her and her abilitites. She seeks to do him good and not evil all the days of her life. All the days … even before she is married? Indeed. Take God’s inspired Word seriously, ladies. Look at the married women around you. Are they disrespectful? Do they leap at the opportunity to bite off their man’s head? Do they ignore their husbands? Have they grown bored in their marriage? Single women, like myself, this is not your fate. Do what is necessary today to love your future husband. It’s really no different than living the Christian faith. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength … and … love your neighbor as yourself. Being conformed into the likeness and image of Christ, living the gospel daily, and removing selfish pride from your life is essentially the ulitmate preparation to living with and respecting and loving a husband.

Go and read the entire fantastic story here.

I also posted this over at the family blog.

This has been making the rounds of the blogosphere the past month or two, and I figured it was time I shared it with you guys. It’s a quote from Martin Luther. My Catholic readers can rest easy — he’s not about to post 95 theses on the blog and thus spark the Reformation all over again. (Note — you get to hold Baby Newell for 5-10 extra minutes if you actually know what I’m talking about. Call dibs on it in the comments!) With no further ado…

“Now observe that when that clever harlot, our natural reason (which the pagans followed in trying to be most clever), takes a look at married life, she turns up her nose and says, “Alas, must I rock the baby, wash its diapers, make its bed, smell its stench, stay up nights with it, take care of it when it cries, heal its rashes and sores, and on top of that care for my wife, provide for her, labour at my trade, take care of this and take care of that, do this and do that, endure this and endure that, and whatever else of bitterness and drudgery married life involves? What, should I make such a prisoner of myself? O you poor, wretched fellow, have you taken a wife? Fie, fie upon such wretchedness and bitterness! It is better to remain free and lead a peaceful, carefree life; I will become a priest or a nun and compel my children to do likewise.” What then does Christian faith say to this? It opens its eyes, looks upon all these insignificant, distasteful, and despised duties in the Spirit, and is aware that they are all adorned with divine approval as with the costliest gold and jewels. It says, “O God, because I am certain that thou hast created me as a man and hast from my body begotten this child, I also know for a certainty that it meets with thy perfect pleasure. I confess to thee that I am not worthy to rock the little babe or wash its diapers, or to be entrusted with the care of the child and its mother. How is it that I, without any merit, have come to this distinction of being certain that I am serving thy creature and thy most precious will? 0 how gladly will I do so, though the duties should be even more insignificant and despised. Neither frost nor heat, neither drudgery nor labour, will distress or dissuade me, for I am certain that it is thus pleasing in thy sight.

A wife too should regard her duties in the same light, as she suckles the child, rocks and bathes it, and cares for it in other ways; and as she busies herself with other duties and renders help and obedience to her husband. These are truly golden and noble works. . . .

Now you tell me, when a father goes ahead and washes diapers or performs some other mean task for his child, and someone ridicules him as an effeminate fool, though that father is acting in the spirit just described and in Christian faith, my dear fellow you tell me, which of the two is most keenly ridiculing the other? God, with all his angels and creatures, is smiling, not because that father is washing diapers, but because he is doing so in Christian faith. Those who sneer at him and see only the task but not the faith are ridiculing God with all his creatures, as the biggest fool on earth. Indeed, they are only ridiculing themselves; with all their cleverness they are nothing but devil’s fools.”

[From Luther’s “The Estate of Marriage” (1522) posted online here.]

HT: The Southern Seminary parents in the blogosphere in general; copy/pasted from Timmy Brister at Nolan’s World.