The Silent Holocron

We regale you today with a Classic Silent Holocron posting from December 2005. I still think this is one of the funniest things I’ve posted on the entire blog. Enjoy!

Condiments?

Well, it all started when Tricia and I went to O’Charley’s for dinner Sunday night. I was in a reflective frame of mind, and I was explaining the doctrine of predestination. Actually, I was trying to explain the doctrine of reprobation, but realized I wasn’t getting anywhere because she didn’t understand predestination. Anyway, I was getting nowhere fast because this is too wordy a discussion for her, I couldn’t keep giving her verbal examples because she was getting lost quickly. And when she gets lost, she gets frustrated. I looked around the table, and in a flash of inspiration, I grabbed all the condiments I could: butter cups (or pats of butter, if you prefer), ketchup, salt, shrimp sauce, and my sweet tea.

Yes, I was a smidgen desperate.

But I successfully explained total depravity, irresistible grace, and predestination to her in one fell swoop, using the condiments as examples. The ketchup, butter, and salt represented humans; the shrimp sauce represented the Holy Spirit, my sweet tea represented Jesus; and I played the role of the Father.

Can you imagine how this conversation went?

Stephen: “Okay, Tricia, now see this stuff? I the high and mighty Balderdash do in my godly power choose the pats of butter, out of all the condiments, to be my people for ever. I send my Son, the Sweet Tea, to die for them that all who believe in me may be saved. I sent the Holy Shrimp Sauce to those whom I have chosen to remove the sin that blocks them from obeying me and doing my will, so that they are now free to choose my Sweet Tea. I send another of my pats of butter who are already saved to witness to them, and because they have been made free because of the sacrifice of the Sweet Tea by the power of the Holy Shrimp Sauce, they can willingly choose to accept the Sweet Tea as their savior and obey and follow me. See that ketchup over there? Because I did not choose him, I am sending him to the unholy garbage pit, where he will rot in a landfill for all eternity. Got it?”

Tricia: “I think so. You chose the butter because butter makes everything better, and you didn’t choose the ketchup because ketchup and butter don’t mix well.”

Okay, this wasn’t the real conversation, honest.